Struggles

It's hard sometimes to find a balance. I'm a wife, mom, and a friend. Each of those go into other catorgioes such as, lover, caregiver, kisser of the boo boos, a listener, a shoulder to cry on. I've stopped trying to find myself, because I already know who I am. I am, Mandy, I'm twenty-four years old, a wife of seven years to a husband that I struggle to have intimacy with-mostly my own fault, I'm never in the mood, or I'm too tired. I'm a mother to three little boys, a four year old whom begs to go to school and due to our stupidity in finances over the course of six and a half years, we can't afford to pay for preschool, and he's too smart for free preschool in the area. A two year old who is so tender-hearted and just wants love, but acts out because he's still learning, and doesn't fully understand that their are consequences for being "bad" or not obeying, or being disrecwprful. A four month old, that only desires love, food, and to be cleaned. I am a friend to a lot of people who just need me to listen to their problems, to need some kid free time from there own rugrats. 

I find it hard sometimes to relay on God for everything. He says to bring my burdens to him, that he'll carry them for me, that they are no longer mine. But, I feel as if I must carry these due to my own stupidity. Thankfully my husband and I have come to the conclusion that we haven't been finically smart, and we saw this before it was too late. Now, we are paying for it. I'm babysitting, making cash to pay for things, to put towards debt, we are using all of our tax return to pay off what we can, hopefully everything credit card wise and have a little left over to put in the bank to prepare for life outside the military, because that will be coming sooner rather than later. We are trying to eat healthier, and exercise together. We are trying to figure out if we want another baby, or if we should wait, wait a lot longer than our usual gap. He's ready, he says. But I've noticed his patience isn't what it used to be. Things with number four will be different, much different than number two and three and different than number one. 

My husband desires a daughter. Badly- we've had a girl name for over three years now. It's perfect for our family, but I know that if it's another boy, he will be upset. He will feel like he can't make me happy, because of course, most women want a daughter as well, but I will feel

Like I've let him down too- I think before a fourth is conceived, we should do a lot of praying and seeking Gods counsel. 

Everything I've spoken of tonight is struggles I deal with on a daily basis. Even more struggles than these, these are just ones I'll share tonight. 

Most of the Time

Most of the time, I'm tired. Most of the time, my preschooler is yelling "mommy come check out what I build you and daddy, and Gabriel & Isaiah". Most of the time, my toddler is yelling, crying or messy. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not going to make it through the day, or that I'm going to go crazy, or worse, I've lost my mind. Most of the time, my tv is on & no one, not even the kids are watching it. Most of the time my house is a mess. Most of the time, dirty dishes line my sink. Most of the time, my living room is a mess, and oh don't get me started onthe play room, I try to remember to have the boys clean it before bed, but sometimes bed time is so hectic I forget. Most of the time, I have all these great ideas to help teach my boys things, but I never do them. Most of the times, I feel like a horrible mom! 

But, then at the end of the day I look back on my day and the things I remember are... Hearing my toddler laugh because we have tickle wars, hearing my toddler ask me in his sweet voice "mommy pease" or mommy my poop" (that one should get you to smile! And yes I hear it on a daily basis!) also? I smile when I recall my preschooler coming to me saying, "mommy I build my Legos, close your eyes & see what I build" or seeing him playing with my toddler, or seeing him get his infant brother smile. That melts my heart. Or/ I recall him asking me, ever so sweetly, "mommy can I hold him?" Referring to his infant brother. I smile when I think about the times of getting in the floor & playing with my boys. Seeing all of them smile & hearing their laughs- it reminds me that I'm not a bad mom, that I love my kids, & that im just trying to find that balance between all of them, housework & being a wife.

I pray every day that I can better myself as my roles change on an hourly basis. That I can find my balance & that would give me a heart of love. 

Just a random update- stressed!

Tomorrow is my "golden birthday" according to a lot of people I've talked too. I'll be 24 on the 24th of May. I don't feel very golden. Honestly I feel the opposite. I feel so depressed & under so much stress. For those who don't know we are expecting our third baby! It's a.... Boy!! I'm due sept 12, and this time I have a lovely doula lined up. We've been having issues with our tenants, and it's gotten to the point where I could just scream. Elijah is in the phase where he will pitch a fit weather he knows better or not, if he's in trouble he what's the world to know. Gabriel is skipping everything a 18-24 month old should do or know & going for a 3 year old, he talks like crazy, has a nice set of lungs, but he's so cuddly still, which I love! Matthew wants to get rid of the only family dog we've ever had, and that breaks my heart. We've already put ourselves under enough stress by getting rid of a vehicle. I look back & think to myself, "why in the world did we do that!" Such a stupid & immature move to make, now we must pay for it.

That's all I can think of for an update on my super stressed, annoying life. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Time Changes Things

My first born is now three years old! Oh where, oh where has the time flown? My last is 13.5 months old, it's crazy! I have a preschooler in training and a toddler!  How?

Things have gotten crazy around here. We're both tired of going to Georgia and no one coming here. We're tired of putting forth effort to make our family see us, and no one else putting forth effort. My mom has put me and my family on the back burner. Her words were "I only have one mother(talking about her mother) and she needs me" She's spent over 40 years with her mom. Yes, her mom needs her, but so does her daughter! I need my mom! My mom only has one daughter. She has two grand boys that want, crave her attention. Who love her! Who never get to see her. Do you know how badly I wanted to tell my mom what's been going on in my life? But, I held off because I knew she wouldn't care. Isn't that sad?

Matthew and I have been TTC baby Flippen number three, and more than likely the last. Well In June I had a spontaneous miscarriage. I hadn't gotten my period back, but I knew I was pregnant, took a HPT and it came back positive. We were currently on Tri-Care Standard, and had already put in paperwork to go Prime before we found out, so we were just waiting on July 1 before going to the Doctor. I had already had two healthy pregnancies, everything seemed to be going fine, so we waited. Then, something seemed wrong, I tested and my line wasn't as dark, and then the next day I started bleeding.... I went to the hospital to get my levels checked and they were at a 5. which means "Not Pregnant" I knew I was having a miscarriage. My bleeding was really bad, clotting supper bad, and in much pain. Then I started tracking my period... September I noticed I had a 37 day cycle. never think to track ovulation, because I wasn't ready to try again. But In Sept when I was suppose to start again, the day before I felt... weird. So, I tested, and it was positive.. I was like ok, I'm going to test again in the morning, and go get levels and get it put on record, blah blah blah... (because my lint wasn't really bright. I wasn't getting my hopes up) Got up the next morning and no need to test, because I was bleeding. Something they call a "Chemical Pregnancy" Well I was learning more and more about ovulation, luteal phase, conception, and was ready to start trying. So, I found out, I have a 9 day luteal phase, which isn't really good. It doesn't give your uterus time enough to get thick to support and egg. Well we weren't big time trying. I did Ovulation test, I knew when the best time to get pregnant. So, In Oct I was ready. I ovulated on the 11th. only had sex twice two days before ovulation, and one day after ovulation.  about a week later, my breast were sore, I was supper tired, scene of smell was very high. Things were making me nauseas, I was getting excited, I had way more symptoms. I kept testing, I knew I was early, but they all were coming out positive. I'm not the only person that saw them. Matthew, and a friend of mine saw them. Which, made things seem more real! Then, I was two days late, which made things even more real, but I started feeling strange... my symptoms left, which I tried telling myself that happens, symptoms come and go, no big deal. Then, I started spotting, which at first scared me, then I thought about how far along I would be and said, it's not much, its very light, It's probably implantation bleeding, no big deal. Matthew tried telling me, everything would be ok. Then I woke up Wednesday Morning and I knew, I knew the baby was gone. My bleeding was heavier, darker, I wasn't feeling well, things were not right. I knew the ER would look at me like I was crazy, but a sweet and beautiful woman from my church said it would be best for me to go, at least it would be in my records, no big deal, or check my levels maybe the baby was still ok... Well I went, she went with me, got blood, told them about July and September. And of course since nothing was in any sort of record they said we'll these are self reported, we can't just add them to your record. My levels came back and they were at less than a 1. So, according to them, I could have been pregnant a  week ago, and lost it really early, but I wasn't pregnant anymore. My sister in Christ tried explaining that she's had 4 miscarriages in the last 2 years and that he levels weren't rising as quickly as they should have been, the dr was trying to tell us, well there is no point in doing an ultrasound because my levels aren't even high enough to see anything, that something must be wrong. I asked him, why would I get so many positive tests and then not be pregnant, then he told me, well I didn't see your tests, I don't know what brand they were, I don't know how reliable they were, and I was almost in tears, because I really thought he was trying to tell me I was never even pregnant, and I KNEW I was. At least I was at one point. My levels were high enough to reach a HPT. A First Response Early Response, a clear blue test, and an answers brand test. They were all different, out of different boxes.... they were all positive. I got all of this news on my sons birthday, they day I should have gotten a real nice bright positive. according to how many weeks I was. I was only 3 weeks & 3 days before I started bleeding. Maybe the ER doctor was right, maybe I was pregnant and I lost the baby really early. But telling me my pain was due to a late period... He had me at 5 weeks along, I kept trying to tell him my period wasn't due on the 13 of Oct, It was due the 20 of Oct, since I was such a long cycle. He wasn't listening to me. He kept saying my levels should have been over 1,000... I know better than that.

So my friend I spoke of who's had 4 miscarriages, is seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. She suggested me to go see one too. So, since my husband is military and we are Tri-care Prime we have to get a referral to go off base. So, I call the clinic, explain to them what's going on, and why I want to be seen off base, they call me back this morning and tell me since none of my miscarriages are on record that my Primary Care Provider wants me to wait to test until I'm two weeks past my period, and then come in for blood work. I ask, what if something is wrong with my cycle? I don't want to keep trying and just end up at a dead end, that's frustrating, she said we'll if that's the case you'll have to just come in, and we'll do blood work to find out what's going on. Seriously? I've come in before to get my hormones checked, back in Aug, after my July miscarriage, checked my thyroid levels, checked my hormones, checked my blood levels and told me nothing was wrong... so, you really think I want to come back to you? No thank you. So, I'm going to try to give it a few more months and try to be seen off base for a pre-conception appointment. It give me time to heal physically & mentally.

I'm hurting inside, and I hate it. I've never had such a problem with trying to get pregnant. But, my lovely and wonderful husband is trying his hardest to keep me calm and happy. He's upped his reading (his bible) and when I came over to the desk I saw some index cards and I'll read to you what they say.

"Trails and sorrows are part of living in a fallen world" -God

"I am bigger and more powerful than any worldly troubles you face" -God

"I allow you to go through trails so that you might grow" -God

"I have plans for your life" -God

"When you pray, I will listen" -God

Seeing those words just humbled my heart, it brought peace over me. Right now I'm living Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in trails, be consistent in prayer. I have to live by this.

    my husband read this verse out last night and it got me to thinking... Rev 3:16:
So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.

I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire for God, I want to read my bible, teach my children about Christ, I want to always be learning and growing in my walk with him. I don't like it when people are on the fence about other important things, why would I want to be on the fence about the most important thing in my life. So, I'm going to start by teaching my boys about mommy & God time. Mommy needs to spend time with God, and not just at night, but during the day. Not just when times are bad, but when times are great. Not just when I need something, but when I need nothing.

I know this has a lot of info in it, and my thoughts may be more jumbled than ever. But, I needed to get all of this off my chest and start a new, a new life, a new day, a new time, a new season, in my life.

I'm in love with my husband, my boys and the friends that I do have. I just hope you all can understand that I may be a bit distant for a little while.

Flippen Family Update

I know, it's been a while, yet again. I just never have time to do these anymore. Two kids, Elijah 2 1/2 acts like he's 15, and Sir Gabriel, almost 10 months old, and me trying to keep up with the household chores, and baby sitting, I just never have time. But, here is a small update on what's been going on in the Flippen Household.

Elijah, is day time, and mostly nap time potty trained! How awesome is that?! He didn't seem to catch on quickly at first, but now, he has all his own undies, and he only wears a pull up at bed time! When he wakes up, he takes it off, goes potty, then he eats, potty, etc. He drinks from a regular cup, we only use sippy cups if he's sick and wants to lay down in his bed with some water. He goes to bed at 8pm every night, wakes up every morning around 630-730am! So so early, but some days he'll actually nap, most days he won't. He loves to sing! He talks like a champ, but always has. He tests our paitence every day! He's such a big boy! He can count, he's learning his colors, and loves his little brother more and more each day! I could go on and on all day about this little pirate, but I'll let it rest now.

Gabriel will be ten months on the Fouth of July this year! What an awesome way to celebrate his 10 month celebration! fireworks, hotdogs and awesome friends! He is a mamas boy, thats for sure. But, I can leave him with daddy and them have a good time. He says, Hey, Mama, Dada and Bubba! He self feeds, and nurses! I'm so proud that I've gone this long with nursing him. He still has NO teeth, and just crawls. He can cruise, pull up and stand alone, but seems to have no desire to walk yet. Which is messing me up since Elijah was taking steps at 8 months and full on walking at 10 months. I keep trying to tell myself that although Gabriel is advanced on somethings he's not his brother and advanced on all things. Gabriel started talking before Elijah, but started crawling later than him, rolled over before Elijah, but started pulling up at the same time. haha!

Matthew and I are doing good. Our sixth wedding anniversary is coming up in Nov! His 4th year anniversary for the Air Force is coming up Sept 1 (right before Gabriel's birthday) I think he's ready to get out. I went to him yesterday and told/asked him, "Do you really think this is what God wants you to do for the rest of your life? Because I'm starting to think this isn't what we're suppose to be doing" And he looked at me and said the same thing. He's doubting it himself. Maybe going guard isn't what God wants either, which would be why he got turned down for the jobs he applied for, or maybe, God doesn't want us that close to family. I'm thinking of asking him to look in Fl, TN, & SC for full time positions. I know he's giving it all to God but God has such a perfect time to answer our prayers, and sometimes they aren't the answers we want, but they are whats perfect! I know this seems like a lot for a small update, and to this potint I haven't even thought of a title to this blog, but I'm sure it will come to me.

My birthday has come & past. I'm now 23. My dads birthday has come & gone, he's now 53 and samw with my brother, he's 25. My moms birthday is in July! I wish I could see her for her birthday. But we have no idea when we'll see family again. We just don't have the money. Never truly have had the money to go home, but always found a way. Matthew tries to always make sure I get to see my family, which makes me a happy person. But, we're so tired of the one way trips. We even tried to make plans for Elijah to go home and visit family for the end of June til some time in July but that even fail through. What makes me mad the most, is when they brag about "oh we can go here", or" we can do this", or "we bought this", or "we're going to buy this," my thoughts are well if you wouldn't have went to this place about 4 times, you could have came here. Both families have issues with taking off of work, seeing as both sets of our parents work, but do you think Matthew wants to spend his vacation time going all the way to Ga? He wants to one day be able to take his own family on a vacataion! This subject is most firey subject you'll ever see me on.

Well before I get too heated I'll go. So long for now. Maybe it wont take me 6 months to a year to update again. Although this update too two days. ;) hehe