Things have gotten crazy around here. We're both tired of going to Georgia and no one coming here. We're tired of putting forth effort to make our family see us, and no one else putting forth effort. My mom has put me and my family on the back burner. Her words were "I only have one mother(talking about her mother) and she needs me" She's spent over 40 years with her mom. Yes, her mom needs her, but so does her daughter! I need my mom! My mom only has one daughter. She has two grand boys that want, crave her attention. Who love her! Who never get to see her. Do you know how badly I wanted to tell my mom what's been going on in my life? But, I held off because I knew she wouldn't care. Isn't that sad?
Matthew and I have been TTC baby Flippen number three, and more than likely the last. Well In June I had a spontaneous miscarriage. I hadn't gotten my period back, but I knew I was pregnant, took a HPT and it came back positive. We were currently on Tri-Care Standard, and had already put in paperwork to go Prime before we found out, so we were just waiting on July 1 before going to the Doctor. I had already had two healthy pregnancies, everything seemed to be going fine, so we waited. Then, something seemed wrong, I tested and my line wasn't as dark, and then the next day I started bleeding.... I went to the hospital to get my levels checked and they were at a 5. which means "Not Pregnant" I knew I was having a miscarriage. My bleeding was really bad, clotting supper bad, and in much pain. Then I started tracking my period... September I noticed I had a 37 day cycle. never think to track ovulation, because I wasn't ready to try again. But In Sept when I was suppose to start again, the day before I felt... weird. So, I tested, and it was positive.. I was like ok, I'm going to test again in the morning, and go get levels and get it put on record, blah blah blah... (because my lint wasn't really bright. I wasn't getting my hopes up) Got up the next morning and no need to test, because I was bleeding. Something they call a "Chemical Pregnancy" Well I was learning more and more about ovulation, luteal phase, conception, and was ready to start trying. So, I found out, I have a 9 day luteal phase, which isn't really good. It doesn't give your uterus time enough to get thick to support and egg. Well we weren't big time trying. I did Ovulation test, I knew when the best time to get pregnant. So, In Oct I was ready. I ovulated on the 11th. only had sex twice two days before ovulation, and one day after ovulation. about a week later, my breast were sore, I was supper tired, scene of smell was very high. Things were making me nauseas, I was getting excited, I had way more symptoms. I kept testing, I knew I was early, but they all were coming out positive. I'm not the only person that saw them. Matthew, and a friend of mine saw them. Which, made things seem more real! Then, I was two days late, which made things even more real, but I started feeling strange... my symptoms left, which I tried telling myself that happens, symptoms come and go, no big deal. Then, I started spotting, which at first scared me, then I thought about how far along I would be and said, it's not much, its very light, It's probably implantation bleeding, no big deal. Matthew tried telling me, everything would be ok. Then I woke up Wednesday Morning and I knew, I knew the baby was gone. My bleeding was heavier, darker, I wasn't feeling well, things were not right. I knew the ER would look at me like I was crazy, but a sweet and beautiful woman from my church said it would be best for me to go, at least it would be in my records, no big deal, or check my levels maybe the baby was still ok... Well I went, she went with me, got blood, told them about July and September. And of course since nothing was in any sort of record they said we'll these are self reported, we can't just add them to your record. My levels came back and they were at less than a 1. So, according to them, I could have been pregnant a week ago, and lost it really early, but I wasn't pregnant anymore. My sister in Christ tried explaining that she's had 4 miscarriages in the last 2 years and that he levels weren't rising as quickly as they should have been, the dr was trying to tell us, well there is no point in doing an ultrasound because my levels aren't even high enough to see anything, that something must be wrong. I asked him, why would I get so many positive tests and then not be pregnant, then he told me, well I didn't see your tests, I don't know what brand they were, I don't know how reliable they were, and I was almost in tears, because I really thought he was trying to tell me I was never even pregnant, and I KNEW I was. At least I was at one point. My levels were high enough to reach a HPT. A First Response Early Response, a clear blue test, and an answers brand test. They were all different, out of different boxes.... they were all positive. I got all of this news on my sons birthday, they day I should have gotten a real nice bright positive. according to how many weeks I was. I was only 3 weeks & 3 days before I started bleeding. Maybe the ER doctor was right, maybe I was pregnant and I lost the baby really early. But telling me my pain was due to a late period... He had me at 5 weeks along, I kept trying to tell him my period wasn't due on the 13 of Oct, It was due the 20 of Oct, since I was such a long cycle. He wasn't listening to me. He kept saying my levels should have been over 1,000... I know better than that.
So my friend I spoke of who's had 4 miscarriages, is seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. She suggested me to go see one too. So, since my husband is military and we are Tri-care Prime we have to get a referral to go off base. So, I call the clinic, explain to them what's going on, and why I want to be seen off base, they call me back this morning and tell me since none of my miscarriages are on record that my Primary Care Provider wants me to wait to test until I'm two weeks past my period, and then come in for blood work. I ask, what if something is wrong with my cycle? I don't want to keep trying and just end up at a dead end, that's frustrating, she said we'll if that's the case you'll have to just come in, and we'll do blood work to find out what's going on. Seriously? I've come in before to get my hormones checked, back in Aug, after my July miscarriage, checked my thyroid levels, checked my hormones, checked my blood levels and told me nothing was wrong... so, you really think I want to come back to you? No thank you. So, I'm going to try to give it a few more months and try to be seen off base for a pre-conception appointment. It give me time to heal physically & mentally.
I'm hurting inside, and I hate it. I've never had such a problem with trying to get pregnant. But, my lovely and wonderful husband is trying his hardest to keep me calm and happy. He's upped his reading (his bible) and when I came over to the desk I saw some index cards and I'll read to you what they say.
"Trails and sorrows are part of living in a fallen world" -God
"I am bigger and more powerful than any worldly troubles you face" -God
"I allow you to go through trails so that you might grow" -God
"I have plans for your life" -God
"When you pray, I will listen" -God
Seeing those words just humbled my heart, it brought peace over me. Right now I'm living Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in trails, be consistent in prayer. I have to live by this.
my husband read this verse out last night and it got me to thinking... Rev 3:16:
So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.
I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire for God, I want to read my bible, teach my children about Christ, I want to always be learning and growing in my walk with him. I don't like it when people are on the fence about other important things, why would I want to be on the fence about the most important thing in my life. So, I'm going to start by teaching my boys about mommy & God time. Mommy needs to spend time with God, and not just at night, but during the day. Not just when times are bad, but when times are great. Not just when I need something, but when I need nothing.
I know this has a lot of info in it, and my thoughts may be more jumbled than ever. But, I needed to get all of this off my chest and start a new, a new life, a new day, a new time, a new season, in my life.
I'm in love with my husband, my boys and the friends that I do have. I just hope you all can understand that I may be a bit distant for a little while.
