Don't think I don't think about it

Well here we are. On our way to Georgia. I'm the one smiling and i don't even want to go. He's keeping that military baring. Well I love him. We've been in Georgia sine Sunday early morning. We slept for maybe 4 hours. Stayed up all day Sunday, went to church, he went to somewhere with me, he siad he didn't want to go. I asked him to make this sacifirce for me. Well he did. I told him I had made lots for him. Please do this for me. Well he wanted to know what? Well, at that time I didn't want to say it, but if it gets brought up again, this is what I'll say. I'll tell him, I waited for him when he was is BMT, I went through emotional hell, I wait everyday while he's in tech school, not knowing if I'll see him. I came one what he calls a vacation that is not helping our bills, and making us more distant. Yeah I know, what your thinking, she's not going to do this. Well I've been pushed too far this time. He told me, at least we will sleep together each night while we're here, ok. Well guess what? He lied, where is he? With his brother, spending the night. And of course his mom and his brother knows I'm not happy, but right now I don't give a crap, they can kiss my butt, I haven't slept with Matthew since before Sept1. He's MY husband, and yes maybe I am sounding a bit selfish, but He married me, not his family. They are always going to be here. He can always visit them, a marriage is what you need to work on, talk to your partner, love your partner, cuddle, it's all in the fins print when you get married. I wish he understood what hell I went through while he was gone. I missed him so much, It taught me to never depend on anyone but God, and right now, I don't know, I don't only feel disconnected with Matthew, but with God too! I don't know how. I don't even know when I started feeling like this. I don't know how to get back in connection with Matthew. I really don't. I have tried tickleing him, doing the things we used to do, but it doesn't work.
With it being Christmas in 3 days I'm not even in the Christmas mood. I bought him a little Christmas, I don't know how it's all going to turn out. I just want a Matthew that understands me, and cuddles with me for Christmas. Thats all I would like for Christmas, so Santa, if your reading this, please do something about that.. (lol) Sorry I had to do that.
Anyways, tonight is one of those nights where I could type and type and never get tired. I'm sleepy, yes, but I just have so much on my mind. I hope someone understands what I'm saying, or going through. I just need something, anything.

The title to this blog is "Don't think I don't think about it" It's a country song, if you don't know it, or never heard of it, look it up. It's a great song. It's kind of funny because some people might have never thought about these things, but I think about them too much. I think too much, if you ask me. But, thats ok, well I guess it's not, one of these days it's going to get me into trouble. What I am talking about it already gets me in trouble. lol. Well I guess I can stop now, I do believe I've writen enough. Good night all!

Merry Christmas!!!

Even the best fall down sometimes

Well today has been one of those days to where if I don't feel like talking and someone talks to them, I'll be mean. I can't help it. I"m like that sometimes. I don't feel so great today. My throat hurts, i'm sneezing, my eyes are watery, I'm just not in the mood. I haven't seen Matthew in almost 3 days. I just don't want to be messed with. So, Yeah. Well I baked me some cookies, they messed up, but they are still very tasty. ((Yummy))

I talked to Matthew last night. It was only about 10 mintues, but it was great. I love talking to him. I can't wait to see him today. He's the best guy that I've ever been blessed with, other then my daddy. My daddy and him are so much a like. It gets kind of scary sometimes. But my daddy loves him. ((Maybe because they are so much alike))

The past few day's i've noticed how blessed I am. I mean I get to see my family for Christmas. Have I been looking forward to it? No, but I am now, because just think of the soilders in Iraq or Iran, that can't come back to see there families. Just think, some will never come back home. Sad yes I know. The reason I noticed this is because of a movie I watched. A Christmas Card. It was great. You have to watch it, if you've never seen it. It helped me see that I should be thankful for being able to have a family to go back too, to be thankful that I have people that Love me, and care for me. Yes, I forget these things. Sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me. Even though I know this isn't true. I feel like no one back in Centerville/Crawford County love me. That is where our family is. I don't consider it home anymore. It's where our family is. Home is where the Air Force takes us.

So the title of my blog is "Even the best fall down sometimes" I love that song. Yes, I know thats not the title of the song, but I love that saying. And if you've read this you will notice I"m not perfect. Nor do I want to be. I love me how I am. Yes, I have things I need to work on, but other then that I'm good. I like me how I am. I wouldn't go back and change anything. I wouldn't pay a billion dollars to see what my future is. I take things as they go. I'll get over my inperfections.

As for now, I'll Love my airman, and enjoy every moment get together. :)

My Wish

Well I've been wanting this all to be over as fast as possible. But just as all things this takes time. I know that God is teaching me a lot during this whole time. I know I still need to learn as time goes by, that is why I like being unperfect. I know that being alone in TX was not apart of my whole plan, but I try to go with the flow. Of course I don't like the fact that I don't get to see Matthew very much. I saw him more when he was in Phase 2, then now. I know that him being a rope is a great thing. There are many good things about it, but also not some good things. Like selfish things, that some people would say. But I'm sorry, I came and live out here to be with him, not to be at home all day by myself, and only get an hour. Yes, I know I should be thankful for the hour I get, and trust me I am, but sometimes I think he isn't. For Example, last night he came over, we only had an hour, and what did he do? He got on the computer, played on facebook. I gave him the chance to do this Sunday, I told him, I wanted him to come sit beside me and put his arm around me, kiss me on my forehand, hold me and just talk with me, what did he do while I was telling him this? Laugh, and ingored my request, I'm sorry was that too much to ask for? I am being too selfish? He tells me I am, he tells me that I act like we never spend any time together, I wonder why? All day I'm by myself, and I'm bored out of my mind. I'm sorry if I"m needy, he knew all of this when we got married. He knew I loved getting attention,. sigh I love him, don't get me wrong, I just wish he knew all of this. I don't expect him to be a mind reader, and I tell him these things, but I feel like he ignores them. I know that he is the love of my life, maybe he's just tired of being at school, and maybe I"m over thinking this too much.. Maybe I"m making all of it up. Maybe I'm being a horrible wife. I don't know!! I just wish this would all end. I wish I had my fariy tale wedding, my fariy tale house. Maybe if it was all fairy tale I wouldn't be writing this. Who knows. I know that I just want this horrible feeling to go away. Last night on the way to the base I started to tear up. I just wanted to cry, and have him hold me and tell me he was sorry, that everything is going to be ok. But, I stopped myself. I do put my emotions aside for him, even if he doesn't see it. Everyone says, "Oh everything will be better when you get to your first base." I just wish we were their, then I wouldn't have to put up with ME and my feelings. But I know there is always going to be somehting in my way. Satan is always going to be there, waiting for things to clear up, then putting some other road block in my path! All I ask is that I have the strenght to move it, and get on with my life. I'm loosing my strenght. I'm not doing the things I should. It always happens when I feel like this. I hate it, but I feel like there is something/someone pulling me away from God, and this is when I need him most.... sigh I don't know what else to do, I'm running out of people and options.. Any advice?

The ulitmate choice; the one I married

     God knows i"m not spoild. When it comes to my marriage, I had this whole fairy tale marriage all planned out. I thought I had everything worked out. My husband was going to work normal hours, be off every weekend, we were going to go to church, have 2 kids, live in a nice house, he was going to get me everything I wanted, we were going to have a newer modle car. I didn't want to be rich, but well off. Well, like I said, God knows I'm not spoiled. I don't get everything I want. Life isn't always what you want. Yes, I love my husband, and yes I love that he has a job. I am very thankful for all the things that I have. Some girls just don't care. They want the best, Me,. I can settle with, not this time, you're going to have to wait. Do I like hearing those words? No, of course not, who does? But it's life. I know that my husband loves me, and tried his best to get me the things that I want. A lot of the times he goes out of his way to please me, and I take it for granted. I don't look at it that way sometimes. Like this way. Real life example; This week he got his green rope. I was so happy for him. I know he studied really hard for that, and his voice sounds terrible because he has to command flights, but he did what he had to do, well This is his first weekend on phase 3. I was looking forward to him spending the night. Well I get a text telling me to come and get him, I was all excited I hopped in the car, and got all the way there, and he called and said the CQ was on lock down, he couldn't leave until some guys got back. Ok,  I was fine with that. I knew I had all night with him, then he layed the news on me, that he signed up for CQ duty and had to be back by 10pm. This is what went through my head: WHAT? are you nuts? This is what came out of my mouth: What? Why? You knew I was looking forward to this weekend. This isn't fair! Why did you do this? Well we got off the phone, and texted while I waited, and knew I was upset, but how I handled it was not right. So, he was upset with me. Long story short, I thought he wa just thinking of himself, and I posted it on facebook. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did anyways, so that everyone could see I was mad. But, he's not doing it for himself, well he kind of is, but its for his job. It looks better if your a rope... Snd the higher up you get the better. So, he wants his yellow.
     The whole point of this, is to show that I love him, and that I would never want to trade him in. Yes we may fight, and bicker, but at the end of the day he's the one I married, and mad that ulitmate choice. I have to stick by his side, I have to show him I care, and that most of all that I love him no matter what. Yes we have a maturity difference, we always will, I try my best to get on his level, and stay there, but I can't. It's not my nature. I act like a little brat, a lot, but he knows what buttons to push to put me back in my place. He's amazing. No other guy could know me like he does. I wouldn't want no other guy too. He's made a choice to stick by my side, no matter what i do, what I say, no matter how inmature I act, but I do know when to shut up, I do know when I just need to keep my thoughts.. thoughts.
   We got married on a Sturday morning on Nov 10, 2007. We both were young... I was really young. We though we try and push aside all the horrible things people said, we thought we were in love. We both will tell you, til this day we thought we were in love. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We have learned to love each other. We do however know that God did want us to get married, not when we did, but we are suppose to be together. We know we still have a lot to learn. You never stop learning about your spouse. I could say I know everything about him, but I don't. And for me thats ok. I want to learn more and more everyday. I know what makes him tick, and I know how to get on his nerves.
   The most important thing is I love him, more today then I did the day we got married. We have made the choice that Divorce is no where in our vocabulary. We don't like the word, and we don't like what it does to families. I've seen with my two eyes what it does, and it's not good. I'm not saying that when you get married if your husband beats you or is cheating on you to not divorce him, but... cheating, see if you can find out why? And if it contiunes, put a stop to it, leave him, but beating, don't think twice, get out of there. But for stupid reasons like, "he/she changed" what ever. Everyone changes, "we don't see eye to eye" why not? Did you when you got married? What happened? talk about it.... Sorry divorce is may hot topic, I can rant and rave on it all day long.
  Well I hope you enjoyed this one, I enjoyed writing it. I'll be back with some more soon!

The Air Force Life?

Ok, so, I know that God has a plan for our life. I feel like this is the right way, but sometimes I feel like it's not. I don't want to tell him this. He's happy. He's only in tech School, he's going for his Green Rope. Which he has his test this morning at 0800. I hope he passes. He wants this really bad, but I want a baby really bad. And I started my period last week. It's gone, and we are still not preventing, and not trying either. I've had an ovulation test kit, for a while appartley, it's out dated. I looked last night to look at the directions, and to see when I should test and it's dated for May 09, and my EPT was dated for March 09. So I"m out of that. :(. He had to go see a shrink about his PRP, and that wasn't good. Something came up about him going to a conuslor when he was younger, and the shrink wanted to know why he put on all his applications that he had never been to a conuslor, and Matthew said, bc I forgot. It was a long time ago, and I don't remeber anything about it. What did the shrink ask him?... Did it help? (what did Matthe wjust say? It was a long time ago, he doesn't remeber anything from it) so he told him I guess. We never went back.. (lol) So, If something comes of this, He could be reclassified to another job, and who knows how long that would take, if we would have to move, or whatever. I know, that whatever happens in the long run is what is best, I know that God is in control. Sometimes I need to be reminded yes, but, I know that God has his hand in all that we do, and that i shouldn't be worried, but It's human nature to worry! Lets see, what else is new?....
  Matthew phases up this weekend. :) that is good. We've had some good/bad times, we are stuggling to make ends meet, but I know that all will be fine. (if I stop spending money, i buy things I need though. Not clothes, or shoes, but food, and Christmas, I'm not even buying Christmas for my family, just his, bc we had to draw names before i left GA STUPID) anyways, we are short on money and I want a baby. Thats real smart. I hate feeling like this. I don't mean to, but I guess this is out of my control. I've always wanted to be a mom, and (I think most women do) but, there is always this thought in the back of my mind asking myself, are you infertal? And I tell myself, NO, of course not. You can have babies, but why do I tell myself that? Am I kidding myself? This is what I have to deal with... (yeah it's kind of funny, but very annoying at the same time) Whatever, anyways.
 Air Foce Life. Am I ready for the change? (I better be, I'm already an Air Force Wife) I hate it because some girls expect you to know things that you don't, and some girls are just plain mean. (maybe that is why I hung out with guys mainly) I love most of my girls, they are sweet, and help me out. But, come on am I kidding myslef again? Can I hang with the girls? I'm not a outgoing kind of person. I've made myself become another kind of person to fit it. In Highschool I hung out with the weird-os. How I met this amazing guy? GOD! No I'm not kidding this time. God/ Fate (whatever you want to call it) brought us together. He's the only person that can understand me, and most of the time, we fight. Because we don't understand each other. I've put this on myself. I married someone that was way out of my age (maturity) range. He's so far ahead of me. But he works with me. He know's so much, about Everything. And he's so smart. He makes me so mad when he doesn't apply himself. Like right now I bet he could have the highest grade in his class. He made a 98 on the ASVAB, and on his final in BMT he made another 98. He would have been honor if he could have gotten his PT in gear. That I don't blame him on. That was somehting he wasn't used to. Ok, let me back up, we don't fight all the time, just when we aren't communitcating, or understanding each other (when I'm acting like a child) I'm 19. I have that right, but I"m married, so do I really? It makes me mad when he does things that I don't understand, and he expects me to understand, but I do the same to him. Sorry this blog is probably really confusing. Sorry. I just need to get my thoughts out, then I"ll feel better. :)
  So, I think I'm done now. That would be good wouldn't it?... Yeah I think I"m done. I'm glad I came back to Blogspot. It's helping me.