Struggles

It's hard sometimes to find a balance. I'm a wife, mom, and a friend. Each of those go into other catorgioes such as, lover, caregiver, kisser of the boo boos, a listener, a shoulder to cry on. I've stopped trying to find myself, because I already know who I am. I am, Mandy, I'm twenty-four years old, a wife of seven years to a husband that I struggle to have intimacy with-mostly my own fault, I'm never in the mood, or I'm too tired. I'm a mother to three little boys, a four year old whom begs to go to school and due to our stupidity in finances over the course of six and a half years, we can't afford to pay for preschool, and he's too smart for free preschool in the area. A two year old who is so tender-hearted and just wants love, but acts out because he's still learning, and doesn't fully understand that their are consequences for being "bad" or not obeying, or being disrecwprful. A four month old, that only desires love, food, and to be cleaned. I am a friend to a lot of people who just need me to listen to their problems, to need some kid free time from there own rugrats. 

I find it hard sometimes to relay on God for everything. He says to bring my burdens to him, that he'll carry them for me, that they are no longer mine. But, I feel as if I must carry these due to my own stupidity. Thankfully my husband and I have come to the conclusion that we haven't been finically smart, and we saw this before it was too late. Now, we are paying for it. I'm babysitting, making cash to pay for things, to put towards debt, we are using all of our tax return to pay off what we can, hopefully everything credit card wise and have a little left over to put in the bank to prepare for life outside the military, because that will be coming sooner rather than later. We are trying to eat healthier, and exercise together. We are trying to figure out if we want another baby, or if we should wait, wait a lot longer than our usual gap. He's ready, he says. But I've noticed his patience isn't what it used to be. Things with number four will be different, much different than number two and three and different than number one. 

My husband desires a daughter. Badly- we've had a girl name for over three years now. It's perfect for our family, but I know that if it's another boy, he will be upset. He will feel like he can't make me happy, because of course, most women want a daughter as well, but I will feel

Like I've let him down too- I think before a fourth is conceived, we should do a lot of praying and seeking Gods counsel. 

Everything I've spoken of tonight is struggles I deal with on a daily basis. Even more struggles than these, these are just ones I'll share tonight.