short- to the point

It's late late at night, and lately I've felt so far away from my heavenly father. I think of him, but have stopped praying as much, my bible stays in my car for church and I don't want to listen to my Christian music, but I make myself, bc it seems to be my only connection and its the way I talk to him. I see my whole walk getting destroyed, and why? I have no clue. I am in need of help big time! My husband doesn't know this yet, but I plan to chat with him in the morning. Please help!

Too much on my mind

Well, I just notice another Air Force wife posted on her facebook, "Dying inside. I hate being a military wife. H.a.t.e. There is nothing good about it. It's just sacrifice for your family. For what? For nothing. I don't feel proud at all right now. I feel alone." And, to be honest I may not be going through what she is, but I feel her pain, not as much as she does, but I know it HAS to be hard to be the sole caregiver of your child when you have a husband, father who wants to be invovled in his childs life. I'm not going to lie, I've been wanting Matthew for the past few weeks to go overseas unacompanied, bc of this plan... He would go overseas for a year or year and a half, and I would go back home, get an appartment, get my mother in law, mom or daycare to watch Elijah and I would finish getting my degree! I need it, I need to feel like I'm not just a drop-out who got their GED, and did one quarter of college. I need the feeling of accomplishment. And, I can't do it online, because I only get online maybe once or twice a week, if I'm lucky, and I always feel like a bad wife, and mother, because things aren't done around the house that "should" be to my standard. I've been told to lower my standards, but I can't. I don't want to feel completly like my friend, who feels alone, and hates her life, and I don't want Matthew to miss out on ELijah learning and growing, but I also don't want my life to pass me by. I bet that just sounded so selfish! I'm not trying ot be selfish at all, but I'm just trying to explain myslef to everyone, and get my point across. I hate that I have these feelings, and they wont just GO AWAY!...

On another note, Elijah might have RSV! YUCK! :( It makes me sad to know that he is sick. And all I can do it hold him and try to make it better!

Everything today has been awful! This has to be a the worse day I've had in a while. I went to Warrensburg twice, which is technically four trips, one to pick up a riend, then bring her to base, then from base back to Warrensburg, then back to base! My poor car is like, are you trying to drain all my gas?!? Gas isn't free! I love helping my friends, don't get me wrong, but it just gets tiring. For those of you who don't know where abouts I live, I live 13.5 miles away, and four trips is 54 miles! Not sure I can keep doing it!

Well I'm done blogging for the day! Sorry if I sound selfish.

Small, Long Update

Hello once again my lovely readers. Since I don't blog much, I doubt I have amny of you left. I didn't have many to start out with, so I'm pretty sure I may only have one or two left out there.
Tonight has been a good night. I "took" Matthew on a date. He's been wanting to see Thor for a while, so I decided I would just take him. My wonderful neigbhor, Samantha took Elijah for the night, and she said he was a great little boy! Now, if he would be a wonderful little boy and go to sleep for mommy and daddy so we can sleep would be perfect ending to my night.
Elijah is now almost 7 months old and sitting up on his own, pulling up on his own, crawling like a champ, and kind of crawling weird, crawls with one knee and walking on one leg. He's so weird. I have a veido on youtube on this wonderful crawling method. My mother in law told me, this is how Matthew started to learn to walk. She said Matthew learned to walk at 8 or 9 months, and I have a friend saying she will be amazed if Elijah isn't walking by then. I think he will, but only God knows. God has blessed Matthew and I with such a wonderful son. Yes, he has given me a hard time, I wish I could have kept myself breastfeeding. I hate now that I stopped, but I know with my second one, if there is a second baby, but with my second one I want to breastfeed it for at least six months, if not longer! I will have Elijah's measurements in my next blogs. His six month appointment isn't until May 18! UGH! Client couldn't get us in until then. He will be almost 7 months old, but whatever. I'm just happy we are getting in.
I'm sorry I haven't blogged. I've tried blogging from my phone and it doesn't seem to want to upload for some reason. But, just like Matthew said, I do have time to blog, but in my mind I don't. I either want to be cleaning or resting and watching tv. But, I need to make time to blog. It helps me not explode, and it helps me with my depression. I don't consider myself depressed anymore, but I do sometimes see it coming, and have no way to escape. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to be happy, it's so hard to deal with. Matthew and I are so against putting me on medication, I'm already on birth control to help my hormone levels, but I really haven't seen a change, I've only seen a horrible, awful period come from it, and God awful pain.
I have so many friends going thought a deployment. I hate seeing them go through this. Ir hurts me because I will never know, unless Matthew cross trains, how they feel, or what is going through there minds. I wantto be a person they can turn to, and a person they can talk to, but I don't ever know what to say. One of mt friends has a baby, the same age as Elijah and her husband left, I think only 2 months after her daughter was born. That has to be hard on her! She is soley breastfeeding her daughter, and she isn't pumping as far as I know, so no one can help. I know that her daughter is an angle though. She gets to talk to her husband and her daughter gets to see her daddy, but still I wonder how will she react when she see's him in person? I know Matthew's dad deployed a good bit, and I know it was hard on his family, and his mom had 4 kids at one point, and I have no clue how she managed. I know she had God, and the help of family, but that has to be hard. My thoughts and prayers are with all my friends that are going through a deployement, or who are gearing up towards one. I will always be here to listen if you need a person!

Thanks for reading my long, crazy update! Have a great night everyone!

Phone Blogging

So I was looking on my phone to see if I had any kind of App for Blogger, and I do, question is... Does it work? I guess we will find out.