The Struggle

I never thought I would be typing this, but everyone struggles with something, and my struggle happens to be a few things. I'm struggling loosing weight. It just doesn't seem to want to go. It breaks my heart. Many have no clue how much it depresses me, or affects my every day life. Not many people know how much I weight, and I guess I'm at weight where I'm stuck and I'm going to have to work super hard for it to go. I hear people say, it's not the number on the scale that matters, but what they don't understand is, it does matter! It matters because it's super unhealthy. I get that inches count, but I haven't noticed any inches lost. I get "you need to make sure you're hydrated" "You need to make sure you're eating enough" "workout 5 days a week and rest 2" I'm doing it all! I'm kicking butt and taking names! I'm way more active now than I was two weeks ago. I'm eating healthier, and haven't had soda in 11 days- which is a huge accomplishment! But, good news is, I'm happier now than I was two weeks ago, I have more energy now, and I'm getting much better sleep at night! Wanna know my secret? Just ask me!

Now, I'll give you an update on the boys!

Elijah is wilder and crazier than ever! I'm not even kidding! He's lying, he's being mean, says he doesn't want to play, and he'd rather watch tv! I swear he thinks he's 14-15 years old! Its driving me batty! I can't wait until he starts school! It will give us both a much needed break from each other! He's getting taller and slender! He's super strong! He can write his name, and knows all his letters and can recognize them all! He knows 0-10 and can count up to 12. We're working on past 12. He knows all his colors! He's a great big brother! He loves helping me with Isaiah! He loves trying to help Gabriel potty train! He is truly an amazing helper, he just needs an attitude adjustment, and needs to learn that lying is bad.

Gabriel is huge! He's 33 pounds & pretty short for his age, but you'd never tell. He's in 3T shirts and 2T bottoms. His blonde curly hair is to die for! Everyone just loves it! He's known for getting himself hurt. This past weekend he dove into concrete TWICE with his head! He didn't let it stop him though! Tough little man! He also copies every single thing Elijah does! His most annoying trait lately! He eats and eats and eats, but when it comes to supper time, he most of the time refuses to eat. He's almost potty trained, but still has some improvement to make, but I think he's doing great!

Isaiah is tiny! His last weight check he had lost weight, can I loose weight? No one would question it. haha! He's 7.5 months old! He's wearing 3-6 & 6 month clothes. He's 95% cloth diapered, he wears disposables to church. He crawls, pulls up on everything, and even walked the couch yesterday! He nurses on average 4-5 times a day, and eats 4 jars of food a day- usually. He also eats cheerios, and finger foods! He loves feeding himself! He loves to go on walks in the ergo, he's never been on a stroller ride, yet! He is very attached to me lately, which is kinda hard. If I'm in the kitchen he'll cry and crawl all the way too me. He doesn't like for me to put him somewhere and me not be in sight. But, he's a sweet boy! He has awesome cuddles, and loves to be sweet!

Time for me to go make some yummy dinner so we can go on a walk later! I hope you enjoyed my blog. Nothing special, but I took the time to write it.

I know God is always with me.

Struggles

It's hard sometimes to find a balance. I'm a wife, mom, and a friend. Each of those go into other catorgioes such as, lover, caregiver, kisser of the boo boos, a listener, a shoulder to cry on. I've stopped trying to find myself, because I already know who I am. I am, Mandy, I'm twenty-four years old, a wife of seven years to a husband that I struggle to have intimacy with-mostly my own fault, I'm never in the mood, or I'm too tired. I'm a mother to three little boys, a four year old whom begs to go to school and due to our stupidity in finances over the course of six and a half years, we can't afford to pay for preschool, and he's too smart for free preschool in the area. A two year old who is so tender-hearted and just wants love, but acts out because he's still learning, and doesn't fully understand that their are consequences for being "bad" or not obeying, or being disrecwprful. A four month old, that only desires love, food, and to be cleaned. I am a friend to a lot of people who just need me to listen to their problems, to need some kid free time from there own rugrats. 

I find it hard sometimes to relay on God for everything. He says to bring my burdens to him, that he'll carry them for me, that they are no longer mine. But, I feel as if I must carry these due to my own stupidity. Thankfully my husband and I have come to the conclusion that we haven't been finically smart, and we saw this before it was too late. Now, we are paying for it. I'm babysitting, making cash to pay for things, to put towards debt, we are using all of our tax return to pay off what we can, hopefully everything credit card wise and have a little left over to put in the bank to prepare for life outside the military, because that will be coming sooner rather than later. We are trying to eat healthier, and exercise together. We are trying to figure out if we want another baby, or if we should wait, wait a lot longer than our usual gap. He's ready, he says. But I've noticed his patience isn't what it used to be. Things with number four will be different, much different than number two and three and different than number one. 

My husband desires a daughter. Badly- we've had a girl name for over three years now. It's perfect for our family, but I know that if it's another boy, he will be upset. He will feel like he can't make me happy, because of course, most women want a daughter as well, but I will feel

Like I've let him down too- I think before a fourth is conceived, we should do a lot of praying and seeking Gods counsel. 

Everything I've spoken of tonight is struggles I deal with on a daily basis. Even more struggles than these, these are just ones I'll share tonight. 

Most of the Time

Most of the time, I'm tired. Most of the time, my preschooler is yelling "mommy come check out what I build you and daddy, and Gabriel & Isaiah". Most of the time, my toddler is yelling, crying or messy. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not going to make it through the day, or that I'm going to go crazy, or worse, I've lost my mind. Most of the time, my tv is on & no one, not even the kids are watching it. Most of the time my house is a mess. Most of the time, dirty dishes line my sink. Most of the time, my living room is a mess, and oh don't get me started onthe play room, I try to remember to have the boys clean it before bed, but sometimes bed time is so hectic I forget. Most of the time, I have all these great ideas to help teach my boys things, but I never do them. Most of the times, I feel like a horrible mom! 

But, then at the end of the day I look back on my day and the things I remember are... Hearing my toddler laugh because we have tickle wars, hearing my toddler ask me in his sweet voice "mommy pease" or mommy my poop" (that one should get you to smile! And yes I hear it on a daily basis!) also? I smile when I recall my preschooler coming to me saying, "mommy I build my Legos, close your eyes & see what I build" or seeing him playing with my toddler, or seeing him get his infant brother smile. That melts my heart. Or/ I recall him asking me, ever so sweetly, "mommy can I hold him?" Referring to his infant brother. I smile when I think about the times of getting in the floor & playing with my boys. Seeing all of them smile & hearing their laughs- it reminds me that I'm not a bad mom, that I love my kids, & that im just trying to find that balance between all of them, housework & being a wife.

I pray every day that I can better myself as my roles change on an hourly basis. That I can find my balance & that would give me a heart of love.