Rough patches

I thought things were getting better. Matthew was rocking Elijah to sleep, spending a lot more time with him, being a good husband and a great daddy, then it only lasted about a week. The washer has crapped out on us, its not draining properly, so the laundry is pilling up really bad, water all in the floor, towels soaking up what they can, but now the towels are soaked and if they don't get cleaned soon they will mold. I told Matthew that our wedding renewal is off! It hurt so bad to say that. It makes me sad every day, bc now ten tears down the road when I look at my wedding pictures I'll probably cry. I have to hold back tears now. No one knows I've made this decision yet, only because I don't want it to be real. I look at our account one day and it brings me to tears, so I call him at work and I actually do start crying. I have been so emotional lately that its ridiculous. I try to tell him what's on my mind, when he asks, but he has no sympathy, he tells me to listen to him and stop worrying about everything, but I tried explaining that a females brain works different then a males brain. He didn't want to listen. I feel like I don't do enough during the day, and he at least he doesn't care what our house looks like, because there are somedays I just don't have the energy, or just don't feel like doing anything. I try taking Elijah outside to play and can't even stay outside long bc of ticks! I honestly sometimes just wish I could make Matthew understand what is going through my mind. I wish I could make Elijah sleep through the night and I wish I could get up without being angry or mad at a decent time. I was never ready for a child, but I love my child more then myself. I would do anything for my child.

I don't want people thinking I'm depressed because I'm not. I have good days, until Matthew gets home. I hate when he leaves for work in the mornings, I can't wait til he gets home from work in the evenings, but when he gets home things just don't fit into place. In my eyes he treats Elijah with no love. Yes, he loves him plays with him and helps him learn to stand. But I never see him big him, hold him or treat him with any affection.... it hurts me to no end. I don't know if he does this because of maybe he wasn't raised with hugs and cuddles, or if he thinks I give Elijah enough of cuddles and love.

My thoughts are so jumbled and out of order. I'm so sorry. This is how my mind thinks now. I have no order to my thoughts anymore. I guess since the kids are down for naps I'll do some cleaning.

Elijah is 8 months old today!