Tuesday, December 15
My Wish
Well I've been wanting this all to be over as fast as possible. But just as all things this takes time. I know that God is teaching me a lot during this whole time. I know I still need to learn as time goes by, that is why I like being unperfect. I know that being alone in TX was not apart of my whole plan, but I try to go with the flow. Of course I don't like the fact that I don't get to see Matthew very much. I saw him more when he was in Phase 2, then now. I know that him being a rope is a great thing. There are many good things about it, but also not some good things. Like selfish things, that some people would say. But I'm sorry, I came and live out here to be with him, not to be at home all day by myself, and only get an hour. Yes, I know I should be thankful for the hour I get, and trust me I am, but sometimes I think he isn't. For Example, last night he came over, we only had an hour, and what did he do? He got on the computer, played on facebook. I gave him the chance to do this Sunday, I told him, I wanted him to come sit beside me and put his arm around me, kiss me on my forehand, hold me and just talk with me, what did he do while I was telling him this? Laugh, and ingored my request, I'm sorry was that too much to ask for? I am being too selfish? He tells me I am, he tells me that I act like we never spend any time together, I wonder why? All day I'm by myself, and I'm bored out of my mind. I'm sorry if I"m needy, he knew all of this when we got married. He knew I loved getting attention,. sigh I love him, don't get me wrong, I just wish he knew all of this. I don't expect him to be a mind reader, and I tell him these things, but I feel like he ignores them. I know that he is the love of my life, maybe he's just tired of being at school, and maybe I"m over thinking this too much.. Maybe I"m making all of it up. Maybe I'm being a horrible wife. I don't know!! I just wish this would all end. I wish I had my fariy tale wedding, my fariy tale house. Maybe if it was all fairy tale I wouldn't be writing this. Who knows. I know that I just want this horrible feeling to go away. Last night on the way to the base I started to tear up. I just wanted to cry, and have him hold me and tell me he was sorry, that everything is going to be ok. But, I stopped myself. I do put my emotions aside for him, even if he doesn't see it. Everyone says, "Oh everything will be better when you get to your first base." I just wish we were their, then I wouldn't have to put up with ME and my feelings. But I know there is always going to be somehting in my way. Satan is always going to be there, waiting for things to clear up, then putting some other road block in my path! All I ask is that I have the strenght to move it, and get on with my life. I'm loosing my strenght. I'm not doing the things I should. It always happens when I feel like this. I hate it, but I feel like there is something/someone pulling me away from God, and this is when I need him most.... sigh I don't know what else to do, I'm running out of people and options.. Any advice?
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I don't care what anybody says, Tech School is HARD! You DON'T get very much time from them, you DON'T get very much attention from them, they DON'T have very much time for you and it really REALLY sucks. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I feel so bad that we are done with that crap and you are stuck there still. I wish we were more on the same timeline. My advice, do what your gut told you to do, get a job! Don't cater his schedule, see him when you can, but once you get back from Christmas, sit him down, tell him how hard everything is on you, and how good it would be for you to get a job. You will be a lot happier. You say you don't like people, but I know you do! You are a people person, you don't like being alone, and the best way to get friends is to get a job. Maybe you could even get one on base! Like what if you worked on base and he was able to come see you during his lunch? If you worked at the commisary, or bx, or shoppette, or even the dinning facility, you all could see each other. See if after the new year some places on base are hiring and try for it!
ReplyDeleteI've thought about getting a job, and I don't know. I'm not a job person.. lol. I'm not good with them. I mean I've really truley thought about it. And I'm still thinking about it. It could be good, in several ways. And your right about the not getting very much time. I hate it. Sometimes I wished I would have stayed home, I don't know. I blame my feelings on the weather. I know it will get better. I just have to keep telling mysaelf that!
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way at times, but I know it would have been a lot worse not being with him.
ReplyDeleteI stayed at home for the 7 months he was away, and we saved thousands and thousands of dollars :\ It was a HUGE blessing for us. It was extremely difficult being separated from him, but being down there at Sheppard wouldn't have been worth it to us -- he was on lock down a lot, and I would have hardly seen him. Instead, we just stuck it out and chatted online each night (all night! and every weekend!) and used web cams, and we were able to build a ginormous savings account. You could always go home in January and save your BAH & separation pay and save a couple thousand dollars.. it sure makes furnishing a home and moving really easy! :) good luck! :\
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could do that. I it would be horrible for him. I haven't had to deal with the first lockdown! EVER! The only thing I"m dealing with is his green rope. And If I went home in Jan, that would hurt him more then ever. He's used to me being here, and coming over. I would rather stay here, and have my moments then go home and be completly miserable. We only have 1 laptop, he would want it. We don't have webcams, thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think I could do that. I'm here, I need to stick it out. We've already gotten the pay strightened out, theres no need in making him go back to that office and doing it al over again. Our pay would be so screwed up! I don't want that... Like I said thanks for the suggestion, but he gradautes in Feb, we would have t opay for a plane ticket get him home, and... I think that way we would loose a heck of a lot more money... I'm sure somehting will work out.
ReplyDeleteMoney isn't everything and like you said, Satan is always going to be there putting some other road block in your path! We have both experienced that. Only YOU know what is best for YOU. There is always going to be someone over your shoulder telling you what your doing is wrong no matter what the situation and we both know why that is. Satan trying to bring you down, put doubts in your head. Just tell him to go away! LoL!
ReplyDeleteYeah your right satan is always going to be here in my head. And it's very difficult to get him to go away. HE's making me crazy! Thanks Laura! :) I love you!
ReplyDeleteI love you too Mandy! Everytime I come to this blog and I wanna sing the Rascal Flatts song:
ReplyDelete"My WISH, for YOU, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish!"
OMGosh I love that song! :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you listened to country music!! Something else for me to love about you!