My life is changing and I can't stop it.

I know things happen for a reason, and you all know I'm one of the most positive person out here. But lately, (the last few days) I've gotten slightly depressed. I think it's because several reasons. I need to get off this stupid hick town base and do something, we don't have everything for Elijah, and things just seem to be getting tighter and tighter. I feel like I'm going through a storm, and it seems to get worse and worse. I swear it seems like a tornado will appear anytime in this storm and just rip me apart. I don't know if this is normal or not. I don't want to get into deep detail, but things just seem to be getting.... annoying and upsetting. I know that my friends try to help out as much as they can, and my friends have done all they can, and I don't want them to help us anymore, it's not there job. We've gotten ourselves in this mess and need to find a way to get out, and do better. God keeps telling me that I need to relay on him and trust in him, and I do, but when I look at our money and our situation I just don't see how things could get any better. Matthew tries his hardest to get me to calm down and not to worry, but how can I not worry when I'm here and all I'm doing is thinking. Unlike him I think a lot, ok I worry a lot. I didn't used too. I don't know what has come over me. I'm so happy that we've been blessed with so much. I mean the crib sheets we have, crib set, bassinet, play gyms, so many clothes, a diaper bag, books, diapers, so many blankets, Matthews parents have given us $50 for a car seat, but I guess since it's the expensive thigns we have to get, it's starting to get stressful.
My life is changing and I don't know what to do. I don't want to worry about things, I hate worrying! I really do. It's not good for you. And God says its a sin. Plus I need to relay on my God. Give him all my worries, thats what he wants me to do anyways. I've just been in a funk! And I hate it! I am not asking for handouts, and I don't want people to help us because they think that. I'm not asking for help right now, mainly right now I'm asking for prayers. I need God's hand to stay on me, and not leave me. I need him to show me how this is going to be done. I'm not going to lie, I told Matthew last Sunday, if I could go back and change events, I would have prevented things from happening. No, I"m not saying this baby is a mistake, I love this baby more than I ever thought I could, but knowing that we would be so tight on money, I would have rather waited til we had some money at least. I don't know if thats normal to think, and I know it's not Elijah's fault by any means that he's being brought into this world. I also need to remeber, that God isn't going to give us something we can't handle. My mind is just going crazy! I'm sorry if this is confusing or if I'm being crazy, but it's some thoughts i have going on.

On a better note, today makes it 9 more weeks til my due date. You know people told me, oh your due date will change so many times. You know it hasn't changed once! I think thats funny! Also, I've gained so much weight that it's not funny. I hate going in the doctors office and getting on the scale! My blood pressure has been great, and all my test have come back really good. I have one more test coming up, Strep B test, and my midwife said I'll get that 35 weeks, so one more month and I'll have that done. I'm not worried about that one. No blood to be drawn, just getting swabbed. lol! And, I've gained so much weight, but i don't have a great baby bump like Shannon. Her's is so much prettier and more defind than mine is. Makes me sad, but I'm ok with it. I wont have any pictures this month. My photographer is going on vaction! :) To Disney. I've never been, but I hope she has fun! I'll get Matthew to take some just so I can put some up, but thats all. At my last appointment I was measuring a little small, which I've never done before. So Monday is my next one, so we'll see what going on. He's moving all around. So I'm not worried. Did you know that he only sleeps for 20 minutes at a time while he's in the womb? I didn't know that, but they told us that in our birthing class. Thought that was intreresting. Well I guess I'll post a few pictures, then I'll be done.

Oh by the way, our internet runs out on the 18, I think, so this might be the last update for a while. I might take Matthew to work once a week so I can go somewhere with a wifi hot spot so I can update once a week and get out of the house.

   Almost 19 Wks                                                              27 Weeks......

I can tell a difference. Can you?......