Tuesday, December 22

Don't think I don't think about it


Well here we are. On our way to Georgia. I'm the one smiling and i don't even want to go. He's keeping that military baring. Well I love him. We've been in Georgia sine Sunday early morning. We slept for maybe 4 hours. Stayed up all day Sunday, went to church, he went to somewhere with me, he siad he didn't want to go. I asked him to make this sacifirce for me. Well he did. I told him I had made lots for him. Please do this for me. Well he wanted to know what? Well, at that time I didn't want to say it, but if it gets brought up again, this is what I'll say. I'll tell him, I waited for him when he was is BMT, I went through emotional hell, I wait everyday while he's in tech school, not knowing if I'll see him. I came one what he calls a vacation that is not helping our bills, and making us more distant. Yeah I know, what your thinking, she's not going to do this. Well I've been pushed too far this time. He told me, at least we will sleep together each night while we're here, ok. Well guess what? He lied, where is he? With his brother, spending the night. And of course his mom and his brother knows I'm not happy, but right now I don't give a crap, they can kiss my butt, I haven't slept with Matthew since before Sept1. He's MY husband, and yes maybe I am sounding a bit selfish, but He married me, not his family. They are always going to be here. He can always visit them, a marriage is what you need to work on, talk to your partner, love your partner, cuddle, it's all in the fins print when you get married. I wish he understood what hell I went through while he was gone. I missed him so much, It taught me to never depend on anyone but God, and right now, I don't know, I don't only feel disconnected with Matthew, but with God too! I don't know how. I don't even know when I started feeling like this. I don't know how to get back in connection with Matthew. I really don't. I have tried tickleing him, doing the things we used to do, but it doesn't work.
With it being Christmas in 3 days I'm not even in the Christmas mood. I bought him a little Christmas, I don't know how it's all going to turn out. I just want a Matthew that understands me, and cuddles with me for Christmas. Thats all I would like for Christmas, so Santa, if your reading this, please do something about that.. (lol) Sorry I had to do that.
Anyways, tonight is one of those nights where I could type and type and never get tired. I'm sleepy, yes, but I just have so much on my mind. I hope someone understands what I'm saying, or going through. I just need something, anything.

The title to this blog is "Don't think I don't think about it" It's a country song, if you don't know it, or never heard of it, look it up. It's a great song. It's kind of funny because some people might have never thought about these things, but I think about them too much. I think too much, if you ask me. But, thats ok, well I guess it's not, one of these days it's going to get me into trouble. What I am talking about it already gets me in trouble. lol. Well I guess I can stop now, I do believe I've writen enough. Good night all!

Merry Christmas!!!
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3 comments:

  1. Ziona Rae Andreas12/22/2009 10:05 PM

    That sucks Mandy. Sorry you're going through that. Sadly, at least with my hubby, when he gets stressed out (a la tech school being a green rope, a la right now working 12s, a la the next 6 months doing CDCs) he snaps sometimes. I try to remember that he's just stressed out. When hubby first came home from tech school, he just wanted to hang out with his buddies. And I let him because we were going to be moving far away and he wouldn't see them hardly at all. I try to remember, as well, that he's made a lot of sacrifices too! He's basically owned by the government now and he went through emotional hell during BMT as well. I doubt it was easy and "rainbows and butterflies" for any of the guys who have done BMT. It's just part of the territory sadly and while it gets easier at your first base (at least for a vast majority of people), it never quite goes away. So is military life.

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  2. Mandy12/22/2009 10:40 PM

    My husband is a Green rope as well. He will get his yellow when he gets back from Exodus. I understnad that he went through hell in BMT, but that was not bc of me! We've been married for 2 years, Way before the military was thought of. I didn't want to military at all! I knew it was going to be a lot of trouble, but he thought it would be a good way for us to get on our feet. I understnad that he's made a heck of a lot of sacifrices, but sometimes I need a break too!

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  3. Ziona Rae Andreas12/23/2009 8:41 AM

    I agree with you, Mandy. That you do deserve a break! I suppose our situations are different because my husband and I got married for the military, we both wanted the military, I would join the Air Force if it weren't for health problems plus we have military on BOTH sides of the family (career Air Force, Marines, and Army). But I do agree 100% that you deserve a break! Hope everything gets better and, trust me, once you guys get to your first base, things will get easier in some regards. Being at your first base is much more like being civilian in that your husband will go to work, work his shift, and come home. And the work doesn't follow him home like being a green rope does. At least, it won't follow him home unless he lets it follow him home. Best of luck to you!

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